Echoes of Spirit

Dearest Baby Angel Spirit,

I wish that thru the pain, anguish and tears, I had been able to write this letter to you sooner, however I also understand that it is in our Creator’s time that I am meant to talk to you.   My heart misses you more than I can find words to tell you, tho I know you are but a breath away, & I have but to look @ the stars, the rainbows, and know how close you are.  Now over a year has past since you so gently took your wings.

I know that I was so very blessed that you chose me as your mother for the nearly 5 years we shared….you taught me so much about love, about valuing you for who you are/were, even when the seizures were @ their worst, and the times I thot for sure your were leaving me.

I knew that night before that you were ill, but had no idea that you were about to leave me, until the next morning about 6:30 AM.  I was also very aware that you understood that I had to go to prayer and that you understood, I took you before her & asked the Blessed Mother to care for you until I returned, and that you would still be here til I came back.

As we sang the psalm ‘Care for me’ I felt a sense of comfort as I sang…… that tho I knew you were going Home…..I would be there to hold you as you took those steps…

I also know how blessed I am that you left me so gently from my arms to God’s heart.. and I know that your grandmother, Missy, met you as you took your first breath on the other side, taking you on her wings until your own expanded.  I have now come to understand baby dear, that God called you from a life that had been wracked with seizures, to now be wrapped in His arms, and to be joined by your mom, Chemise in less than 5 months.  I know that all three of you are  together.

Thank you for the time you gave to me, that you shared with me, taught me a gentleness I had not known.

‘The morning breeze has secrets to tell you.’  Sometimes you would try to teach me this.  Not always was I ready to listen, as your life gently unfolded and your seizures began, more and more I understood.   Yes, my Angel Spirit. …soul of my soul, heart of my heart, without your life entwined with mine, I would have missed so much, so much love, so much pain, and so much joy. Never did my being feel as complete as when you were {are}, with me.

You led my journey to God so very delicately, until I came to understand why and where I was meant to walk.  Thank you my sweet Spirit for each tiny step you helped me to walk…….as I traversed thru each experience that led to my baptism, confirmation, and first communion. 

Without the miracles that were ours thru the power of God, and Our Lady, this road may well have been different.  I will never forget the awesomeness I felt December 8^th, 2002 on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, when I woke to your seizures, and knew that your Creator and mine was asking of me to be@ Mass, and I could not stay with you {post-ictally}, thus I took you before Our Lady, and begged her to care for you until I came home…… I left for Mass, with a sense that God may choose to take you home while I am gone, and pray to the Trinity, and Our Lady  to hold you until I returned… all the way to the Chapel, during the Mass, and all the way home. 

As I arrived in the driveway with a rather sense of dread, I heard you bark!!!!!! Indeed the miracle I had prayed for had occurred.  Our Blessed Mother had watched over you until my return. I am still so in awe of that miracle.

I prayed for another miracle.. that you could remain with me thru the Easter season of 2003, thru the awesome night of my transcendence in the sight of God and His church.  Once again, the gift, the miracle was granted.

In the summer of 2003, your seizures {monster visits…. How I came to hate them} increased, and it appeared your journey here was about to end.   We discovered that a new medicine might help, and tried it first in early September.  The monster visits only were becoming more frequent & more violent.. your quality of life decreasing with the passing of days.. some days a little better.. but you slipped away a little a time.. .the days that were bad far outweigh the good ones. I felt I could not continue to watch you go downhill, & have no 'connection' with me any longer... not answering to your  name.. staring off into space.. the nose twitching, & mouth movements began again. You are still not able to play with me.. or to run, or show any enjoyment in life all.
 
We have shared so much.. & have so many wonderful memories. I cannot ask you to stay here in this physical realm with me any longer.. you need to be forever free of the seizure monsters...
 

You have outlived the Neurologist @ the University of Minn's prognosis by over a year!!!!  Wow, what a miracle.

 
When I was sure you were about to leave me last December 8th, I begged the Blessed Mother, & God to allow me time with you thru Easter. .and you did.

 
It seemed that it was time to give you, my little gift back to your loving Creator Who alone will give eternal relief from these horrid monsters.. knowing that you are/were safest in His hands.. & that you will wait for me to join you one day..
 
 
 
  Then comes the Awesome part!!!!!!
 
  I had taken you off the Soloxine, & was simply biding our time .

I took you on September 3rd, to the church {where I was Baptized & Confirmed this past Easter} for some pictures.  We then went to St. Bede's, a monastery that I frequent, which has incredibly beautiful gardens for taking pix. 
 
Then I.. decided to give the Soloxine {right after the initial trial, you had had 2 Grand mals per day, plus nonstop petits/focals for 4 days in a row} one more try.  Your recovery was nothing short of a miracle!!!!  Needless to say, I was thrilled beyond words!!!!
 
Your coat is smooth & silky, your nose is cold & wet, no sign of any seizure activity. You wanted to play, loved to run, get into mischief, tear up envelopes.. bite @ my heels.. You remembered long since unused commands for showing, due to your lack of ability to concentrate….doing all kinds of great puppy things again!!!
 
I never expected another miracle.. I was contented that I was given the miracle of keeping you with me thru Easter.. . & beyond...

Lord of life:

Teach me to trust when I fear I will be hurt again.

Teach me to open my heart after it has been wounded.

Teach me to know that failure is just a word of judgment and doesn't describe who I am.

Teach me that I can learn from mistakes even when I have cured myself of sin.

Teach me that there are no conditions that our love cannot overcome.

 Teach me to live hopefully today and tomorrow and not remorsefully because of yesterday.

Teach me to love others even when they are narrow minded selfish and cruel.

Teach me that there is often suffering and that survival is built on finding meaning in that suffering.

Teach me that the measure of my wisdom is equal to the measurement of my bewilderment.

Teach me that it is often necessary to suffer for love.

Teach me to forgive myself when none else but you will dare.

And teach me, Lord of Life, that only when it is dark enough will I be able to see the stars.

Father John D Powers

From : If They Could Speak

  You inspire me, even now tho you are no longer present on this earthly plane.

And now, my Angel, I must try to begin again, on this most important letter. I was thinking again today, how much I miss your sweet howl..... and howl you did, sweetie.  To let me know when you wanted out, wanted in, wanted to eat {which was all the time}.  Of course most importantly, when you wanted me to hold you.  From the time I brought you home, you loved to be held over my shoulder with my hand under your butt.  You knew, I believe even back then what you were meant to teach me, but you intended to make me 'work'' to win your affection {smile}, no kisses til you were ready and you were sure.

To be continued {somehow I find ending this so difficult, fearing if I do, it puts a 'period' after your being here with me.}

Viewers, please visit again for future words to my sweet heart and soul, my Spirit.

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Created February 8, 2007

updated August 2, 2007

above globe of Spirit, Echo, & EchoII created by Bartenderblueswolf...Thank you soo much!